[written 1980 when I was 28]
And then something like this happened morning 11. december 1980:
[ edit june 2019: Rajneesh' 49. birthday (7 x 7)• click image! ]
I became aware while still "sleeping" - which actually is wrong, but I saw that I slept ! - And this is a very strange feeling. For me it was a different experience than the meditative state, even though it is a meditative state. The paradox is that I somehow witnessed that I slept, I was 'aware' that I was sleeping and (transcendence) I was witnessing that I was 'aware' that I was sleeping !!
And at the same time, I witnessed all my thoughts on the problem of 'the moment', time and infiniteness. And then suddenly (I do not know time, when it happened: whether it was during sleep, in the transition from sleep to waking state or in the waking state. But if I were to describe AS I EXPERIENCED IT, then it was in the merging of these 'THREE MOMENTS'):
I saw something, I don't know what, but I had a feeling of seeing 'it'. It was not a bright light, as I described earlier in my violent samadhi experience
[ edit june 2019: the following was NOT written on same piece of paper ]
It is intentionl that I did not type on the previous page because, when I was at the last print on the typewriter, something happened, that I now want to try to describe and at the same time feel very very difficult to express in both prose and our dualistic language.
Suddenly I cried intensely. I couldn't sit at the typewriter anymore. I've experienced this before, but it doesn't change the intensity of the experience and quality and the feeling, that now I can do nothing but surrender. Tears and crying just came out of me very intense and I had to lay down on my bed. But it wasn't normal crying described with grief over something specific. It was all possible different emotions simultaneously.
It was like being hit by something, that is not of this world and yet it is, because it can be experienced. I cried and cried all the time, it became deeper and deeper and I was just trying to be it and to witness it. I was scared, I was happy to feel this or whatever one may call it. An energy that bubbled inside me. Something that I have called transcendent. I was anxious and happy at the same time, I called on Bhagwan several times in both anxiety and bliss. Sometimes thoughts came like 'If you can let go completely now, then the opportunity is here, now the opportunity is here', but i couldn't let go anymore, but it didn't matter either, because it was so beautiful just being there.
Right now I'm sitting and crying and the tears just run down my cheeks and my fingers will hopefully find the right keys, as I can see no keys on the tpywriter nor the paper for just tears. I don't know what to say. That's all there is to say about it. It is as beautiful as everything together I know. It's just there, without anything. So so grateful. What else can you be, when you experience the most beautiful, that transcends even human earthly love.
I was again in my anxiety stemming from 6 ether mask anesthesia, that I got as three year old due due to middle ear inflammation, but this time it was like being just before death and at the same time being on the other side of death. I could feel that if I went or was transferred all the way over, then it would be beautiful and all the same. And even though I wasn't completely transferred, it was ok, but it was so beautiful to feel the contact with this confidence, security, unity and what do I know.
And then I think it's so beautiful to sit and write about it in the middle of the deepest philosophical considerations that a human being can make at all and experience. These two things fit so beautifully together. The highest form of thinking and the highest kind of experience and feeling. It's like the snake biting it's own tail, the light that finally sees itself after a long journey in an unknown world, where everything looks so incompatible. And then all of a sudden it's all in one single experience, and it is not even an experience, because the experience is no longer there. The experience, the light, the glimpse of the truth is there. And then it is the end, bliss disappears in its own contradiction or whatever to call it.
It must have been pretty much such an experience I had the other morning, and I'm so glad I've been able to articulate it in the hope of, that others can take part in, what I have seen and experienced. And if the reader has just got a little sense of what is in between the lines, it is beautiful, and if he or she does not have it, then it is also beautiful. Because there is nothing to understand ultimately, just being.
Not even a poem could express it, because poems also divide into one and the other. Since after the experience a few days ago I still could not formulate it in the theory, I ended up with that idea or thought that maybe the spiritual light is just the original form of energy, and it expresses itself in three levels and these are exactly the three levels that I continually came across. So the physical light was perhaps just the expression of the original light in the physical world, and that must be why nuclear physics is getting into troubles and unnecessary considerations of the speed of light, etc. Einstein may have been close - I haven't read Einstein - but he couldn't make it fit all pieces of his theroy together.
But it must be possible now with this theory of Epistemology. I have to be honest admitting, that I have the feeling of being given the gift, of being one of those, who contributes not only to The Only True Epistemology, but one that is given some intellectual gifts, which enables me to formulate it in an understandable language for the West, though it has been said by a thousand others before me. Mostly said by enlightened Masters and/or of their disciples.
It is a strange feeling sitting alone (no one else has read this yet) and feel that here is the truth at least in theory. Several thousand years philosophy, and then it should be given me that opportunity as a gift. I completely miss words. They should be wet with my tears, they should radiate a light with the colors of the rainbow, they should be felt and sensed with the same intensity, that I have just felt and still feel inside and outside of me. Or they should have the same poetry and music, that I know only from the mouth and heart of Bhagwan, from his being a personal representative of the highest attainable. I had the same the energy and feeling, when I almost disappeared, as I sat in front of him and "took sannyas," as we call it to become his disciple.
And now it is all over, it all disappeared in its own paradox, the paradox, that always was there to challenge man to paradoxically enough to find the solution through the paradox, etc., etc.
In the last three days since my real satori experience, it's just as if it's all gone so fast, that I haven't been there. It's like my whole existence has been at its highest optimal peak and at the same time it has been a gentle lullaby, a sweet music with ringing, words are poor, I wish I could write the most beautiful and paradoxical poem about the eternal love, that we all long for deep in our hearts.
And it is so beautiful, so beautiful. Now I understand why all enlightened humans have not been able to describe it in words. It's like the great luminous uterus of love just constantly stands ready to accommodate those who dare to see themselves even who dare to mirror themselves in the divine light, in the hell of death, i the darkest darkest darkness and the stormy highs and depths.
I do not know what I am typing, I just type, as my thoughts will, as it will, just let it happen, as it will, there are no problems anyway, because the problem was myself, my computer, etc.
I have often thought about the past two thousand years of suffering because of Christian power greedy priests.
I hardly dare to think how much it has meant to the whole Christian world that a few intentionally or unwillingly violated Jesus' statements, distorted them, cheated with the translation from Aramaic, etc. Inflicted millions the taboo about sex, death and the ego that was never there. Sex is the source of life. We are born of sex. Death is the death of the ego. The ego that was never there right from the beginning. And death that was not there either. If they have understood, that Jesus just as every other enlightened person and Master necessarily had to speak in a paradoxical language and if they have understood, that the ego and death have never existed, then they must have been blazingly intelligent in the most negative sense of the word.
Imagine, what this has led to.
Marx and Hegel must have been close to the solution. And unfortunately Marx was so close, that he came to the exact opposite solution, namely that the outer object must be redone, that the ego exists, etc. Marx was super-intelligent, he devoted most of his time life to provide the oppressed with a theoretical means of their emancipation and unfortunately, the result was millions of people incarcerated in communist countries, the struggle of the oppressed against the external objects.
And Einstein must also have been close to the solution and his result — as he just before his death deeply regretted and wanted to be able to redo if it had been possible — he gave the solution to the riddle of the atomic bomb, which now threatens to blow the very existence back to the original light, threatens to inflict infinite sufferings etc. And he did it in the best of intention too.
But Marx gave me 2-3 years of intense study of his (which he had borrowed from Hegel) dialectical logic in the preparation of "The CAPITAL" in the commodity analysis, this intelligent, but unfortunately difficult to understand, as now Marxists still quarreling because neither could Marx take up the necessary leap up to the thinking of paradoxical logic.
I started my quest with Marx, turned to psychoanalysis (Freud, Reich and later Jung), the men's movement, psychotherapy, AAO, and self-making groups and ended up with Bhagwan, where suddenly one day in Poona: 'Here is my home.'
And now, in theory and in computer, I have come home, a meditative peace I am more and more, I feel that now all the problems have disappeared except the trouble of getting the message out, but thankfully it is not a big problem, because I told my closest friends to pass it on, if I leave my physical body or even find it difficult to bring it to the world.
So my theoretical and experiential result paradoxically became the two most revolutionary people I have met in my life: Marx and Bhagwan in a paradoxical unity. Marx gave me the ability for the difficult way of thinking and Bhagwan gave me the love, the meditation and the theoretical insight with his intelligent PARADOXICAL GRIP of ART between thinking and experience. And the insight was created from the satori experience on Bhagwan's birthday in the peaceful morning hours' "waking sleep" in one moment, when the computer exploded after three weeks work, that it could not solve. And when it saw it, it saw the paradox of its own paradox. And now it understood it all.